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Review

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"Jupiter Ascending" (2015) directed by Lana & Lilly Wachowski is best described as "Twilight" (2008) in space, or if "Dune" (1984) was a self parody. It is sad to see the creators of the Matrix trilogy put together one of the worst sci-fi movies to ever exist.

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is an ordinary woman who works as a cleaner. She is then attacked by a group of aliens trying to capture her. She meets Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), a "splice," which is just a fancy word for space werewolf, and he is determined to save her from her coming fate. The reason Jupiter is so important to the various houses of the galaxy is because she has royal DNA in her and is believed to be the reincarnation of a wealthy woman who's estate is worth thousands of years of life, as she acquired her wealth by farming humans like cattle in order to increase alien's life spans.

What can I say positive about Jupiter Ascending you say? Well let's see. Sean Bean was great in this . . . And, yeah. The other thing I guess is that it was occasionally visually impressive; particularly with space ships and "sky box" planet designs. That's not to say the movie was visually impressive in general though, it's a shoddy looking CGI mess through and through don't get me wrong.

I absolutely hated the generic and predictable love story between our two leads, and I personally made the choice about 10 minutes into the film that if these two characters end up kissing in the film, I will be deducting an entire point solely based on that. Well they did end up kissing, and I burst out laughing at how stupid and foreseeable it was despite this supposed to be focusing on being a sci-fi rather than a romance film. I say romance film because it felt like George Lucas wrote the script, and that's not a compliment; this film is an extremely cliché soap opera that feels like robots trying to figure out what human mating is and where babies come from. Channing Tatum is inexplicably shirtless for large portions of the film and he's literally playing a space werewolf with pointed ears, it comes off almost satire but I'm convinced the film is taking itself and it's universe seriously.

Jupiter Ascending was almost worth the watch just because of how hilariously bad it was. The only reason it doesn't go lower in ratings is due to Sean Bean and the actual sci-fi stuff that works effectively like space exploration and ship design.

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